Kids Interpret the Bible

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The following statements are said to have been written by actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine,
authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived
in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang
the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12
decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called
monotony.

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