Bar Jokes

List of Bar Jokes ...

  • Old Drunk   

    A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks ...Read More
  • Mouse Tattoo   

    There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women can ...Read More
  • I'm not drunk   

    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful c ...Read More
  • Drunk Superhero   

    Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, "Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks ...Read More
  • Drunk and Arthritis   

    A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of br ...Read More
  • Drinking Buddies   

    Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the othe ...Read More
  • Dickens and the Martini   

    Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, ?Olive or twist?? ...Read More
  • Death in the Family   

    A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "M ...Read More
  • Cheap Beer   

    A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. ...Read More
  • Best Friend   

    A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy r ...Read More
  • Been Messin' With The Waitress   

    The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied th ...Read More
  • Bar Joke   

    A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in ...Read More
  • Bar Chatup   

    A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to he ...Read More
  • Bad News 2   

    A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," repli ...Read More
  • A Really Bad Day   

    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps ne ...Read More
  • A Message For The Manager   

    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arr ...Read More
  • A Drinking Problem   

    I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one mouth... ...Read More
  • 2 Drunk Guys   

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: ...Read More
  • 12 Year Old Scotch   

    A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a d ...Read More
  • Extremely Drunk   

    A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh ...Read More
  • Can I Smell Something   

    A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks ...Read More
  • All Lawyers are Assholes   

    A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Wh ...Read More
  • 5 Stages of Being Drunk   

    Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your ...Read More
  • $1000 Competition   

    The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lem ...Read More
  • Alcoholic Side Effects   

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whisper ...Read More
  • All You Can Drink   

    A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gu ...Read More
  • A Round For The House   

    A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does ...Read More
  • What You Got   

    A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with f ...Read More
  • Beer Festival   

    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says " ...Read More
  • Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job   

    1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. ...Read More
  • Deadbeat in a Bar   

    A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don ...Read More
  • Evils of Liquor   

    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass ...Read More
  • Finding The Car   

    A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out ofthe bar and ...Read More
  • Deaf Men in a Bar   

    A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to t ...Read More
  • Stages of Drunkeness   

    0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Lager warming up ...Read More
  • Pirate's Misfortunes   

    A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in pla ...Read More
  • State Of The Art Watch   

    A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watc ...Read More
  • Spent Paycheck   

    Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could ...Read More
  • Signs That You are Too Drunk   

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your ...Read More
  • Presents for the Wife   

    Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, ...Read More
  • Speech Impediment   

    Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to an ...Read More
  • I Thought You Were My Wife   

    A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his han ...Read More
  • Selling the Wife   

    A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few ...Read More
  • The Buffalo Theory   

    The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer.. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weake ...Read More
  • Proud Texan Father   

    A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two wee ...Read More
  • Vampires in a Bar   

    It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in cra ...Read More
  • A Chick With Long Legs   

    A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turn ...Read More
  • A Really Bad Day   

    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps ne ...Read More
  • Professional Gambler   

    During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the hous ...Read More
  • A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama   

    A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?" "No" ...Read More
  • A duck walks into a bar...   

    A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, th ...Read More
  • Pee on the bar   

    Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a ...Read More
  • A new guy in town walks into a bar   

    A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up wi ...Read More
  • A leprechaun walks into a bar   

    A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits ...Read More
  • A String Walks Into a Bar...   

    A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes b ...Read More
  • OUCH!   

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A fe ...Read More
  • Are you a cowboy?   

    An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ...Read More
  • 12 Shots   

    A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" ...Read More
  • A Bear Walks into a Bar...   

    A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer.............and a glass of water." The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?" ...Read More
  • Giraffe in a Bar   

    A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and they sit down on two stools at the front. The guy says to the barman "two beers please barman". The ...Read More
  • A Leper in a Bar   

    So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf ...Read More
  • Bartender and a drunk   

    A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give m ...Read More
  • Panda in a bar   

    A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. The panda bear e ...Read More
  • Octopus in the bar   

    A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender wa ...Read More



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